Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Freewheelin’ in S.E.A - Day 39: Sex, Shower, Spliff

We slowly rose at 10am, chucked on some clothes and headed straight to Milano the tailors to meet Sanjay. On the way there I was stopped by a plump Indian fellow who wore a blue turban and we started talking whilst Sarah was checking out some dresses at a market stall. He told me that he was a fortune teller and could see into my future. I’d wanted to see a fortune teller for quite some time now but had yet to get the chance, so I gave him a few minutes of my time and listened carefully to what he had to say, sceptically seeking signs of fraudulence. He first asked me to think of a colour and guessed blue correctly, probably quite easy to implant, if you know what you’re doing. He told me that December 21st 2012 (the date of the supposed end of the world) would be lucky for me, and that my aura would be cleansed. He asked my date of birth and told me that I wasn’t born on a good day for me, but I’d live a long and healthy life until I’m eighty eight years old. Jesus. He told me various other things, like I’d soon have a new job, I’m a peaceful, happy man and I have a clear temple but I think too much. No shit. He told me that I have good karma and would become successful and famous. He was trying to get me to pay him about £20 for a full reading, however, my funds were all but spent and I doubted Sarah was willing to fund it and then wait, so I thanked the man and went to meet Sanjay. We walked in to see a maroon pair of trousers hanging there, in the same colour I’d chosen for in the jacket, however we’d asked for black trousers and this little error worried us slightly. Sanjay apologised and I ended up saying I’d take both colours as they looked nice and I got them cheaply. The jacket was dropped off shortly after, but I was in no rush, talking football with my new homie until it arrived. I tried it on and he marked out the exact fit and length I wanted, and then off we went to grab a quick bite before returning to our hotel for the beautifully alliterated combination of sex, shower and spliff.

We jumped into a cab full of creepy crawlies which took us back to Chatuchak market, where I’d been twice before, once with my hostel crew and once with Sarah. We spent a few hours running around, spotting so many things which we wanted for our imaginary future home and haggling our way around, getting lots of nice bits and pieces at knock-down prices. The pick of the litter was a carved wooden elephants head with a lamp light framed above it, which shines down upon the dark brown head and the elephants on either side. Sarah also bought a traditional puppet to go with the ones we’d bought in India and we also got more little gifts for friends and family. With our money now drastically disappearing and the night sky settling, we headed back to Khao San road, went into our room to try and pack everything we had into our bags, and sparked up a cannon as the Arsenal match kicked off on the TV. Tottenham scored within a few minutes, our former player and general scumbag Emmanuel Adebayor putting one in, but unlike last time, he didn’t run the whole length of the pitch to celebrate in front of his former clubs fans. In a fantastic turn of events, he was swiftly sent off after a horrendous tackle on our genial midfield man Santi Cazorla, and we got a goal back shortly after. Sarah and I had to go and meet Sanjay for the final fitting, so we made our way out and down in the elevator. As we walked along the alley there was a guy standing at the end, eyes closed and hands to the skies in a salute to whichever God he worshipped. I smiled at him as he came back to Earth and he looked up and said “Ping pong show?” I laughed at the contrast between his actions, and gratefully declined. He said “Are you London?” In a sporting mood I replied “Arsenal” and he said “Ahhh, 1-1” referencing the score which I was unsure how he was aware of.

Sanjay said the jacket was coming and took us to the outdoor bar nearby, ordering pints for the three of us. We sat chatting, watching the score-line increase as the ten men of our Tottenham rivals struggled to deal with the constant attacks, and then he shot off back to his shop, which was still open and attracting customers, leaving us there awaiting his return. The game finished 5-2, a perfectly happy ending to the trip on the footballing front, now all that was left was my suit. It was getting really late but I trusted Sanjay, and I was right to, because despite the delay, my tuxedo style maroon jacket with black lapels and black trousers both came back looking and fitting like a dream. He was a little more expensive than the original guy in Phuket, but worth every penny of the still minimal price for a tailor-made, bespoke suit. We both thanked our new friend and bid him farewell, returning to the gauntlet for one last stroll. Sarah’s remaining money was burning a hole in my pocket and when I came across another elephants head, this time a bejewelled version which had been painted red, I told her I had to have it. The salesman was deaf, but it didn’t stop him from whacking huge sums into his calculator, and me replying with low-ball amounts at the other end of the spectrum. I think I got it for around a quarter of what he started on, my final haggle of the holiday. We got a couple cheap shopping bags to take as hand luggage and returned to fill them with the last bits which our cases couldn’t take, and stuff for the flight home. Sarah fell asleep with ease as usual, but I struggled, it was too early for me. I rolled around on the bed trying to get comfortable and as the bottom sheet rode upwards I realised that it wasn’t just the pillow which was covered in a leathery feeling plastic, but the mattress too, which left me slightly puzzled. I heard footsteps in the hallway and the slam of the door next to ours, then within a few minutes strange noises. At first I thought it was a couple fighting, but a few moans and multiple pained groans later had me left with little doubt that there was some hardcore fucking going on. As furniture banged and screams rang out along the corridor, the purpose of the plastic pillow and bed finally made sense, the room was spunk proof, and the hotel was in all likeliness probably a low price haven for whore-mongers, who had no care where they sprayed their jizz, as long as it was being sprayed. The bed grew even less comfortable, but thankfully it didn’t last forever. Once my neighbour had seemingly stopped smashing his lady to pieces, I was happy to get a couple of hours shut-eye before our van to the airport arrived. I guess at least my day ended with a bang.

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